In early September, I drove from Laramie, WY to Lake Havasu City, AZ, to visit my mom & give my sister (who checks in on my mom daily) a chance to go on an adventure. En route, I dropped off 3 art works to a beautiful art center in Tubac, AZ, a quaint historical town south of Tucson. These pieces were selected for an exhibition titled “Bees & Wax”, a theme highlighting subject matter of the endangered social insect and their gift of wax, which I use as a painting medium (called encaustic). My intention was to drive (the 6 hours) back from my mom’s, for the opening reception 6 days later, on a Friday. I’d hoped to connect with the local art community, meet the juror, other artists, local community, see all the wonderful art, and celebrate the prize winners.
Over the next week, my mother was feeling poorly; she started on antibiotics for an infection, but her failure to improve was concerning enough, I brought her to emergency mid-week. The hospital doctors could detect nothing significant – so after re-hydrating her, sent us home. By Friday, I realized I did not want to leave Mom alone, as she still was not feeling well. So I (sadly) gave up the notion of attending the reception, as I’d be gone overnight – less than a 24 hour time slot, but I know at 86, anything could happen with Mom.
Awaking Sunday morning to claims that my mother had a terrible night, hallucinating, I admitted her to the hospital. During the admission time, she went unconscious…. I suspected she was having a stroke, as I noted one side of her face drooped for a millisecond. What ensued was 2 months of craziness: she’d had a severe ischemic stroke (blockage of blood flow to her brain); sisters arrived; prognosis kept changing; details of what to do for post hospital rehab and where she would need to go after rehab (care facility, home….). The process is one you learn about as you experience it… and like aging, it isn’t for the faint of heart.
My mom had experienced a Traumatic Brain Injury (TMI). She lost a lot of her sight, no longer can put words to images, including the names of her children. She had mild dementia prior to the stroke, and now the disconnect between word, image and memory, means she has a very different reality. She is relearning (with flash cards), the names for common objects, but she forgets. She doesn’t recall what happened a minute ago, or earlier that day, or days prior, and doesn’t conjecture into the future.
I laugh with her about her high spiritual attainment of ‘living in the present moment’… which she finds truly funny, as she’s never been attuned to spiritual energies. Now that she is settled back into her home, with 24/7 care from all her daughters, with each of us helping when/how we are able, it is a waiting game. I believe she would have preferred to have passed; she’s been ready for over 2 years, knowing she’s lived well, and her quality of life hasn’t been great. It seems this story has become more about how my sisters and I negotiate this tender terrain. I continue to watch, help out (primarily as mediator when emotions run high, which they do among my sisters on a regular basis) and observe as it all plays out.
Does it sound cold to be an ‘Observer’? I recall my own response to the notion that meditation creates a ‘witness’ consciousness: ‘I don’t want to be a robot, detached, with no emotional response to events.’ Well over the last 20+ years, I’ve realized that emotions still happen, but when the witness prevails, one can choose to respond wisely, rather than with egoic reactions (which are typically harmful).
I also recognize that meditation has prepared the ground for gratitude for the hard stuff….I am grateful I was present when my mother had a stroke, and to get her to the care she needed. And for the ensuing opportunities to practice being the calm mediator, counselor and coach for my sisters. That in turn is rewarding for me, as all calms down and we can each do what we do best to support mom until her eventual surrender. I also know this is giving us each time to do more letting go and grieving before she passes.
So what am I Grateful for? All of it…. The usual stuff & the unusual – knowing the latter is the more powerful for honing & evolving one’s consciousness.
A Short List of what I’m Grateful for:
Loving, Supportive (& indignant) sisters;
My good health, strong body (& at times, persistent pain);
My Community (& the mismatch)
My son (& the lessons of his TBI)
My Ex (that adventure taught me compassion)
My Mom (whose new innocence reveals the cycle of life)
and I’m grateful for post trauma gifts…
Two months after the Tubac exhibition (2 days ago), I received a check in the mail; I’d won ‘Best of Show’ for the ‘Heart of Transformation’ art work; I embrace this as a sign & gift from the universe as I shift my energies towards sharing my creative visions into the world. If you’d like to be a part of that journey with me, please sign up at www.DebbieMathewArt.com
(Note how this piece is much like my mothers journey – the woman in limbo, supported by love).
I’m wishing you a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday. I hope you can stay in gratitude, regardless of the circumstances. Perceive each person as a unique soul, trying to figure life out….especially those individuals that irk and trigger you… Embrace them as your greatest teachers. Such regard is choosing self-mastery and adding more kindness into the world.
What are you grateful for? Share your list!
Live as if this is the last opportunity you’ll have to thank someone for the gifts they’ve given (especially the challenging ones). Be bold.
Share your thoughts and list with me, others here…